1.04.2005

There are many things the internet does not do well.
For example, I don't think I've ever read a messageboard debate that ever accomplished anything of worth.
But.
I think the internet has been hailed, by better men than I, as an unparalleled source of HUMILIATION and SHAME.
Yes, from the Fat Chicks in Party Hats to that dude that won some webby award for being the creepiest Peter Pan fan in the world, the expanse of civilisation is reduced to the equivalent of a clown car full of Jerry Springer guests colliding with an Amtrak train over... and over... and over again. And you ask yourself: who is the ugliest specimen of humanity? This dork who has published his shockingly bad poetry online, in some sort of epic fit of self-delusion? Or I, for laughing at his pimply man-boobs? Who indeed?
And here it is: the Hessian Love Pages.
This is some sort of pinnacle for the genre. It's some kind of sublime joke that the Universe has played on us-- a splash of frigid liquid nitrogen on the libido of middle America. It is an abridged record of the responses one gets to an AOL personal ad supposedly posted by a tattooed, Suicide Girl "metal chick" proclaiming her interest in Slayer and Iron Maiden. And if you ever find yourself, in between gales of laughter, feeling sorry for men who answered a practical joke in the dumbest, most transparently-desperate manner possible, remember that these metalheads would not hesitate to kick your ass on sight, or at least overcharge you for what should be a simple oil change and tire rotation.

And if it's below your sophisticated sense of humor to laugh at desperate shitheads, then look at it as a sort of sociological experiment.... a quick poll of who's checking the internet for love.
-Apparently there are a lot of guys claiming to be friends/relatives of Fred Durst.
-A lot of lonely men work at Guitar World.
-Some men sign off as such: 666 DUSTIN.
-There are a good number of professional, conservative old men that will snap at anything under 25, then attach a family portrait to woo their mate. ("that's me in the middle!")
-Many thoughtful males are willing to give a young lady singing lessons. Hmm.
-The rest are more to the point. Apparently the average length of a penis in America is nine inches.
-Cops are not above offering to kill former spouses in order to impress ladies.
-Just stay away from AOL.
-
Inexplicably, some guys are still worried that they will be mistaken for 'gay', even while answering a personal ad. So much so, that they must make it immediately clear that they hold 'fagety' phenomena in low regard. Good one, guys.
-Then there's this:

He seems nice. And he brought his guitar to the lake.

9 Comments:

At 5:37 PM, Blogger Robert said...

whew...hadda look around to make sure my pic wasnt on there...safe to laugh at them now, i guess...ha ha ha!!!

um, but seeing as u are a metal-head, whyya poking fun at metal-heads?

 
At 12:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey, it's geddy lee.

AOL is hosting blogs now. dog help teh intarweb and all who dwell within teh intarweb.

inky

 
At 1:32 PM, Blogger eric said...

robert, i am shocked-- shocked! that you would consider me a metalhead. There are many-- many many! differences between the genres of music i enjoy, and those that are considered 'metal.' Such as... well, ok, when someone screams in a hardcore band, it's several octaves higher than your typical black metal growl.
An example:
Our test sentence is 'take me to your love baby.'
xhcx: 'blaahh baahh tah laawww bahbaaahhhhh!!!!!!'
metal: 'tuurrgh murgh to lluurrch buurrghh!!!!!!'
Notice the metalheads have many more gh sounds in their language. Plus all of this is coming out as a hoarse growl, so it all sounds like the bubbling of pea soup.
hardcore dude, on the other hand, is screaming like he is a six-year-old getting his first straight-edge tattoo.

Yeah. So there.
Anyway, I think I was more making fun of people who respond to AOL Personals.

 
At 5:35 PM, Blogger Robert said...

sorry Eric, im old and off the loop...just heard Isis and Converge recently, and i cldve sworn that was metal...but if u say it is not, i believe ya :)

 
At 5:43 PM, Blogger eric said...

awww, hell wit' it... i'ma go listen to jazz now. :)

 
At 6:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

take the metal out of hardcore and all you have left is angry bluegrass. sorry eric, you like metal.

inky

 
At 2:06 PM, Blogger Robert said...

which means he MUST start wearing one of those chain thingys that keeps your wallet in your pocket :)

 
At 2:13 PM, Blogger eric said...

(start? my wallet is indeed attached to a chain, which is thusly connected to a belt loop.)
Is there a vaccine that I can take?

 
At 1:47 PM, Blogger Robert said...

take two E's and a spend some quality time with a FatBoy Slim CD


(no wait, that was just plain irresponsible...the new FatBoy Slim Cd is horrid)

 

Post a Comment

<< Home